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An Eventful Easter Holiday

I have five grandchildren : one granddaughter here in Bath where we live, and four grandsons living in Spain. The two youngest boys are here with us for a week with their parents of course – their ages of three and a half and seven months necessitate it! We have been having some interesting times during this eventful Easter holiday. The experience has had two main consequences.

The first is to be reminded of the sheer pleasure and privilege of being a grandparent. It’s nothing I really anticipated, which shows my lack of imagination. The joy of our three daughters, our hope that life would work out well for them, our care for them turning into deep friendship, was as far as my thinking went. We weren’t into dynasties! And now here is this delightful second generation and perhaps my wife at least may one day meet a third. Extraordinary.

The second consequence is that it has become plain to us, certainly to me, that the subject of these blogs is very relevant to my life and I cite just one example.

Our car is too small for us to travel in when our four visitors, plus the driver, the pram and a car seat pile into it. So when Saturday’s morning’s outing was a visit to the local Farmers’ Market and supermarket, I went on the bus, intending to meet up with the family in the market. The bus was on time, I was the first there, looked around at the stalls and mixed with the plentiful crowds in a dreamy sort of way, expecting to meet up with the family when they arrived and wondering where they would park the car. Chicken and ham were on the shopping list, so I surveyed the options, and ended up in the supermarket.

I took out my mobile to seek advice on what sort of ham and found that my wife had called me eleven times. (My phone hasn’t a loud ring but a tiny buzz and my hearing isn’t what it was). I tried to respond but the phone was locked (perhaps in shame) and wouldn’t unlock. I paid for a gammon joint, thinking at least I had done one thing satisfactorily. Moved outside, found I could now use the phone, and got through to my wife on her mobile. ‘You’ve got both car keys’ she said. ‘We’ve had to catch the bus, and one father and baby in the pram are walking down’.

The reunion was quite amicable, considering the frustration I had caused as three adults had searched the house for a non-existent bunch of keys. (My wife is very forgiving). But the incident is one of several all to do with the confusion of age. (And on this occasion I got very confused indeed!). Part of the reason – I plead – is that as plans are made, re-made, re-re-made and I become dismayed, the dynamic of an enlarged family is not easy. But so very welcome!

Bryan

An Eventful Easter Holiday

I have five grandchildren : one granddaughter here in Bath where we live, and four grandsons living in Spain. The two youngest boys are here with us for a week with their parents of course – their ages of three and a half and seven months necessitate it! We have been having some interesting times during this eventful Easter holiday. The experience has had two main consequences.

The first is to be reminded of the sheer pleasure and privilege of being a grandparent. It’s nothing I really anticipated, which shows my lack of imagination. The joy of our three daughters, our hope that life would work out well for them, our care for them turning into deep friendship, was as far as my thinking went. We weren’t into dynasties! And now here is this delightful second generation and perhaps my wife at least may one day meet a third. Extraordinary.

The second consequence is that it has become plain to us, certainly to me, that the subject of these blogs is very relevant to my life and I cite just one example.

Our car is too small for us to travel in when our four visitors, plus the driver, the pram and a car seat pile into it. So when Saturday’s morning’s outing was a visit to the local Farmers’ Market and supermarket, I went on the bus, intending to meet up with the family in the market. The bus was on time, I was the first there, looked around at the stalls and mixed with the plentiful crowds in a dreamy sort of way, expecting to meet up with the family when they arrived and wondering where they would park the car. Chicken and ham were on the shopping list, so I surveyed the options, and ended up in the supermarket.

I took out my mobile to seek advice on what sort of ham and found that my wife had called me eleven times. (My phone hasn’t a loud ring but a tiny buzz and my hearing isn’t what it was). I tried to respond but the phone was locked (perhaps in shame) and wouldn’t unlock. I paid for a gammon joint, thinking at least I had done one thing satisfactorily. Moved outside, found I could now use the phone, and got through to my wife on her mobile. ‘You’ve got both car keys’ she said. ‘We’ve had to catch the bus, and one father and baby in the pram are walking down’.

The reunion was quite amicable, considering the frustration I had caused as three adults had searched the house for a non-existent bunch of keys. (My wife is very forgiving). But the incident is one of several all to do with the confusion of age.(And on this occasion I got very confused indeed!). Part of the reason – I plead – is that as plans are made, re-made, re-re-made and I become dismayed, the dynamic of an enlarged family is not easy. But so very welcome!

Bryan

Political Football

General Election mania in the U.K. is affecting a serious attempt by the government to engage people in a debate about a new social care system for elderly people. The Health Secretary, Andy Burnham, has attempted to bring together people of all political parties and national charities caring for older people, to move towards that ambitious end.

But whilst the Liberal Party were supportive, the Tory party has withdrawn from the exercise, misrepresenting a suggested progressive estate levy -one of three proposed options to pay for a new "national care service" - as if this was fixed government policy, instead of a matter for open discussion. Alarmist posters were published to propagate this misrepresentation.

This is all so important; much, much more important than political posturing. Younger people must be bored – or anxious – but every day there is some reference in the news to the needs of older people – their health, their accommodation and their wellbeing. It is estimated that by 2026 one in five people in Britain will be 65 or over, and by that time total spending on care services could top £25bn. Politicians are not good at long-term planning, but without a national consensus, older people are going to be the scapegoats of society, instead of members of an honoured community, in which all of us inevitably at some time will become part of.

A more optimistic note is stuck in an article in last Sunday’s New York Times. The writer, Kathlyn Hotynski, accepts the downside of getting older – wrinkles, memory loss, mortality, but goes on to say ‘fears of the inevitable can obscure the upside of getting older : being at the top of your game. As baby boomers age, many of them are realising that life after retirement is not merely a long slow decline. There is still wisdom to be gained, work to be done, and adventure to be had.’

She cites some of the mostly famous remarkable older people who continue to flourish. But we all know many others who don’t get written about but enrich our common life. I was talking to one of my allotment friends this afternoon. He was saying that he has never known the ground to be so dry in March. He is 85, and was getting rid of weeds ‘before they take over’. ‘Salt of the earth’ us older ones?

There are many uncomfortable things about getting old – and being turned into a political football is one of them. But many good ones too. Let’s enjoy and celebrate them!

Bryan

' But who can I tell? '

One of the problems for older people is how much about yourself do you keep to yourself? People ask you how you are. It’s a natural greeting for British people. Every week when we meet for cardiac rehabilitation exercises, my co-conspirators ask each other if they are alright. We don’t expect a long response, but as you get older, the answer can be quite long for there’s a lot to tell. And just to answer the question by saying ‘oh, the usual aches and pains’, ends the conversation before it has begun. You may want to say much more than that. You may need to.

I shall be seeing an old mate tomorrow. Seriously ill himself some years ago but now coping wonderfully with a fulfilled life, he will want to know about my health; and he will really want to know. And I shall tell him. (There’s no big story behind these thoughts by the way. I’m pretty well, though reassurance on a couple of things would be welcome!).

Of course there is always the doctor. He or she doesn’t have an easy job: a succession of ill people presenting their needs to you must be very demanding. No laughs in that. In my experience doctors rarely say ‘how are you?’ – I presume because they fear there will be no end to the response. So you specify some of your more identifiable ills, they may examine you, and then you leave the surgery with a prescription or the promise of a referral to the local hospital. Holistic medicine is an unrealistic expectation in our otherwise excellent U.K. health system.

I was talking today to someone who grew up in a tough environment – ‘you manage’ he said; and ‘when you can’t, you keep it to yourself’. Anyone involved in counselling or pastoral care will tell you that’s not a good idea. Anxiety about those ‘aches and pains’ can make them worse. There’s always the danger of course that having come clean on your worries to someone, they will then tell you about theirs. But it’s a danger worth taking and could end up with mutual support and understanding between you.

The people closest to you may not be the best to confide in, for in many families there’s a sort of mutual protection going on which prevents total honesty and openness. Friends at work have other things to think about. Perhaps someone who goes to the same church as you and with whom you have always felt comfortable, could be the person.

If you are worried about this strange business of ageing and the odd things that are happening to your body, you do need to share your worries. But with whom?

Bryan

Living longer - too long?

The novelist Martin Amis’ newspaper interview at the weekend has caused widespread condemnation after he called for euthanasia booths on street corners, where elderly people can end their lives with “a martini and a medal”. The author even predicts a Britain torn by internal strife in the 2020s “‘if the demographic time bomb of the ageing population is not tackled head-on. There’ll be a population of demented very old people, like an invasion of terrible immigrants, stinking out the restaurants and cafes and shops. I can imagine a sort of civil war between the old and the young in 10 or 15 years’ time.”

Novelists depend on imagination to write their books, but for Amis to enter the real world and identify a situation that might indeed become a problem may have something to do with the fact that his latest novel is being published shortly, extracts appearing in the same paper which interviewed him.

Joan Brady in today’s Guardian writes : ageism seems to me almost indistinguishable from racism, a point that couldn’t be made clearer than Martin Amis makes himself: old people are ‘like an invasion of terrible immigrants, stinking out the restaurants and cafes and shops’ That’s what racists say about anybody with a different skin colour or an alien head-dress: They stink’. Brady continues ‘Its health that matters, not age. What people are capable of at my age (she has just turned 70) depends partly on that and partly on luck. I have a hereditary heart condition that flared up and called for major surgery. That was two years ago and I feel stronger than ever’. (She also is an author whose latest book is being published next month!.)

But this is more than a battle between novelists and raises again serious concerns which are in the public eye at the moment. There is a movement against compulsory retirement at 65 in this country, which we have referred to in these blogs. But should older people continue to work beyond retirement age when young people can’t get jobs? Can the middle generation be expected to provide through taxes care for older people who can no longer care for themselves? Longevity is a phenomenon of our time and euthanasia is a moral issue that for me at least is not simple, but can no longer be ignored.When life has become hell and can no longer be seen as a sacred right, should it be possible to assist the ending of life?

Amis raises real issues in an offensive and trite way. But they are real.

Bryan

' I Hate Winter '

It was the lament of an elderly friend. She is 81, lives alone in a second floor flat with a long walk into town to do her shopping. She had a hip replacement a year ago and is now warned that it was not very successful and she may have to endure a second operation. She is a spirited person and doesn’t give up on her life easily, but this hard and tedious British winter, with frost and snow preceded and then followed by drenching rain, has been too much for her. No one likes grey days but when you are yourself feeling grey, even when you are as sparky a person as my friend, it’s hard to avoid the depression that can accompany a prolonged winter. And it’s only January!

The cycle of the year affects everyone but perhaps older people are less resilient when the weather is severe, as it has been throughout Western Europe over the last couple of months. One becomes more aware of the niggling inconveniences of age. You don’t hear as well as you used to and when fog and frost muffles people’s voices you get tired of asking people to repeat what they have said. Your eyesight isn’t as sharp as you would like it to be and as you cross a busy street you may miss a sudden movement of traffic and be in danger. Your digestive system has been playing you up, partly due to holding yourself in as you battle against the cold, perhaps.

But then you wonder if it is the weather or is it all part of the inevitable reduction of health as you age? ‘Is there really something wrong with me?’ you ask yourself, as you struggle to keep warm in bed at nights. ’Does it mean another visit to the doctor’? He or she may say the usual mantra: ‘I’m afraid it’s your age’, which in this context could be a relief. But what if there is something more which could involve you being referred to the local hospital; a long wait before you are given an appointment, and perhaps eventually discovering an unwelcome diagnosis. Better to worry about what might be than to find out what is?

Too much time to think and too little opportunity to have creative leisure can be a burden of this passing Season. But it will pass. Spring - more or less – is on its way! If this is a bit how it is with you, buy and eat a favourite food. Go and see an unlikely film. Invite yourself to visit a friend. Look through an album of old photos and celebrate the good days. Be with people. Re-read a favourite book. Book a holiday.

…..and if you are really desperate, write a blog!

Bryan

A New World

Britain’s spell of cold weather is headline news. Supplies of gas and electricity are under threat, near to capacity at 96%. Residential customers are being given priority over industries. It’s true that the U.K. is always unprepared for extremes of weather, but the present one is creating new records of severity. Temperatures in some parts of the north and in Scotland have fallen to minus 21C. There is a national shortage of grit and salt to clear the roads for which - of course - the government is being blamed.

This is all creating a different way of life. Many if not most schools are closed and looking after children on the loose has become a problem for their parents and at least for a time children are enjoying new freedoms. Whilst some parts of the country are relatively free of heavy falls of snow, in some areas the snow is so deep that people have been marooned in their houses for days that are now turning into weeks. Everywhere it is bitterly cold. Several airports are closed as well as major roads. People are advised not to undertake long journeys ‘unless absolutely necessary’. ‘Deaths rise as snow and ice grip Britain’ says one newspaper headline.

For one day local buses were grounded in our area, but cautiously began to test the roads yesterday and are running normally today. We went into town this morning and people boarded the bus in a variety of winter clothes, hats especially noticeable. Even older people have gone to wearing the poplar Norwegian caps with long pigtails either side that are all the rage. ‘I can’t stay inside’ one elderly passenger said this morning, and its true that although the first breath of a new day is a shock, there’s a sense of release in getting out – and pleasure in returning to a house hopefully warm. People when they cross each in the street are smiling to each other. The British are in danger of showing the ‘grin and bear it’ spirit that is supposed to be typical of us!

People’s routines have been brutally affected, and enforced idelness means the livelihood of some is at risk. With fewer responsibilities than many, our own life has become quite fun and much more home-bound than usual. We have been doing some of the jobs we have had in mind for some time, but never got round to. If not exactly indulgent, we have been enjoying our meals more than usual, too. Space for reading. And searching for watchable TV programmes, occasionally with success. And quite enjoying instead of complaining about not being so young as we once were.

More snow, however, is promised for this weekend. The novelty may soon pall!

Bryan